The fresh, spankin’ new president, the Congress
critters, the mass media, common folk, and all the rest of the Magical
Kingdom continue to assure me that a gigantoid “stimulus package” is
the way to go in correcting our present economic doldrums. They tell me
we’re “all in this together.” Well. Okay.
Since each of us must do his own part in shoring up the sagging flesh
of our nation’s financial underbelly (...ew!...), I thought I’d get a
jump start on the boys and girls in old D. C. and initiate a program of
stimulation right here in my own little neighborhood. So, continuing in
the spirit of “getting with the program,” I propose that I will soon
hire me some civic-minded people to implement my grand design. I figure
that if I get a dozen or so strapping young men, arm them politely, and
send them from house to house in the blocks surrounding my home, I can
gather the funds I need to create the local equivalent of the new
bridges, roads, schools, and other infrastructure improvements that the
Big Boys are so eager to bless us with.
Hmm. Maybe a thousand dollars per household in voluntary contributions
to be collected by my own version of the IRS will suffice. Without much
trouble, I should be able to collect what I am told is the “price of
civilization” and parlay it into a bank account of one- or two-hundred
thousand dollars. Maybe three. Once that is in place, I’ll create jobs
by hiring contractors to insulate my home; tear up and replace my aging
driveway; remodel bedrooms and expand bathrooms; add a nice additional
bedroom or office over the garage; extend and expand the back deck into
a nice four-season sunroom; replace the current fencing surrounding the
property; upgrade the roof; replace the ancient furnace and
air-conditioning unit; install a new and larger water heater; finish
off the basement; redo and update the kitchen; and get all new
appliances, carpet, and landscaping.
When it’s all done and glorious-like, I’ll invite the media and the
politicians and the average Joes and Janes over and say, “See! Here are
your tax dollars at work! I created skilled jobs, improved the
neighborhood, and will continue to provide work for those who mow my
yard, clear my sidewalks, and clean my gutters. You can now all enjoy
the fruits of your labor whenever you drive by my place.”
I’m sure that in the spirit of sacrifice lauded by all, none of my
neighbors will be so selfish as to object to my grand design or their
part in restoring the economic health of
my house the nation.
(from
Don't Get Me Started!, 1-27-09)
